One year ago

I woke up on Saturday morning with a distinct weight on my heart.  February 4, 2012 marked one year since the day I stepped on a plane to move half-way across the world.  I've always  get kind of sentimental on anniversaries, and this one is no different.  Because February 4, 2011 was a monumental day in my life.  If any of you followed my journey to the far side of the sea, you know this was just about as far out of my comfort zone that I could go.  I went into this journey trembling with fear and uncertainty.  I stepped onto that airplane with tears streaming down my face and sorrow in my heart.  But Jesus was so so so so so close. And He walked with me every step of the way.  And He is so faithful. He will do what He says He will do.  And even when He asks you to do something that seems completely opposite of your personality...He will hold you fast.  Really and truly, the safest, most precious place to be is in the arms of your Savior.  So, today I want to share with you an exert from my journal.  I wrote this on the airplane flying over the Atlantic ocean, getting farther and farther away from everything familiar to me.  I pray that you will be encouraged.  Obedience Jesus is the sweetest thing on earth.  It is in those moments of desperation when we are bitterly crying out to our Father...it is in that tension when Jesus often speaks so clearly.

Friday, February 4, 2011

My Sweet Jesus, My Beloved,

Here we are on a plane to China.  Oh Jesus, how did this happen?  Why did you choose me?  I am so weak and vulnerable.  I am afraid and timid.  I am still shaking from all the emotion.  Its unreal.  The good-byes are brutal.  I have never in my life felt pain like I felt in that moment (and still feel lingering hints of).  I could have held on to my Mama forever.  I felt like I literally could not lift my feet and place one in front of the other.  But I didn't have to, You did. You carried me all the way, sweet Jesus.  And I felt You.  Despite the pain of my ripping heart.  Somehow I walked away, Somehow I managed to get through security....
Jesus, every part of my being hurts right now.  My heart could rip open any moment and spill all over the floor.  I still feel on the verge of tears.  I can't do this alone--I'm not alone.  I know that.  One thing I realized as I was sitting at the gate about to board the plane:  Jesus is so real. You are so real and tangible.  I'm hurting so badly right now, but You are so real.  Thank you for choosing me to experience this realness.  Now, Jesus, please strengthen my feeble frame.  I cannot move apart from you.  I cannot breathe apart from you.  I feel so alone.  I'm not sure if I've ever felt this lonely, actually.  Its a stabbing pain in the pit of my soul.  Remind me, my Beloved, that I am  never alone.  You have gone before me.  You come behind me and you are sitting beside me.  Please hold me and keep my eyes on you.

Love, Abby

Those emotions might seem a little over dramatic, but they were so real.  And I can honestly say that I have never felt the arms of Jesus around me like I did in those moments.  Please don't be afraid to follow Jesus into hard places.  Coming to the end of ourselves is where life truly begins.