A Grace-filled Reminder

I had to apologize to my 2 month old today.

Its been one of those days where my baby's stomach seems like a never ending pit.  He wants to nurse constantly and his little eyes immediately pop open once he touches the crib as I attempt to lay him down. He wants to be in Mommy's arms.  Not in the hands-free carrier (which we both normally love).  Not on his play mat.  Not in his stroller. In Mommy's arms with her undivided attention.

But his Mommy is still being sanctified and she often finds herself worshiping the god of productivity.  You know, that never ending list of things that just have to get done before the end of the day.  The laundry that needs to be folded, the kitchen that needs to be mopped, the thank you notes that need to be written, the exercise DVD that needs to be watched... 

When my chores don't get accomplished  according to my time line and when my agenda is met with endless "interruptions," this mama gets upset.  I find myself flustered and overwhelmed, and rocking my precious baby becomes just another chore.

Praise God for the Holy Spirit's presence in my heart.  I am thankful He humbles me and gives me fresh perspective when my flesh is squirming with discomfort.  His law revives my soul (Psalm 19:7).

Today He tenderly reminded me that in a few short blinks, this sweet baby who simply wants to feel his mommy's warmth will be a sweaty little boy who practically has to be tackled for a hug.  And that sweaty little boy will become teenager who would rather be with friends than with his mama. And that teenager will be a grown man faster than I can imagine.

For such a time as this, Jesus has called me to a very specific task--loving my son, discipling him, singing to him about Jesus, holding him, feeding him, being attentive to his cries, praying for him ceaselessly, sacrificing myself for him.  Simply put, I am called to love my little boy like Jesus has loved me.  And I pray that one day, one glorious day, this baby will meet Jesus for himself.  And when he does, I pray that he will recognize Jesus' love--because he's seen it before.  It will be familiar to him, just like the feel of Mommy's arms and the sound of her heartbeat.  He will be drawn to it.  He will long for it.  He will desire to spend time experiencing it and learning about it.  He will know that when he cries, Jesus comes.  He will know that when He needs to be held, Jesus holds him.  He will know that when he has needs, Jesus meets them.  Because Mommy won't always be there.  But Jesus will.

And  I pray that ultimately, he will be eager to share this love with his neighbors, being an instrument of peace and hope to a lost and dying world.

So today I apologized to my son for treating him as an inconvenience instead of a gift.  I repented before the Lord and asked Him to keep these things fresh on my heart.  And I decided that today I will sit.  I will rock.  I will sing.  And I will praise God for this precious agent of grace in my life that reminds me that this so isn't about me.

Beginning Again

I've been swirling this blog post around in my head for months now.  When beginning a new writing project, the first sentence is always the hardest part, right? In college, I'd always start my papers by writing my name and date at the top just so the blank page wouldn't stare at me while I tried to think of a good opening sentence.  That's how I feel about starting my blog again.

I've had the itch to begin writing again for months now.  Sometimes my fingers even tingle at the thought of sitting down in front of a fresh word document, mug of coffee in hand, Bible open, and heart prayerfully in tune to the Spirit's nudges.  But then I remember the hardest part...getting started.  Writing that first post.  And I shy away from the whole thing because I simply don't know where to start.

The past two years have been a sweet whirlwind of change for me.  Graduating college, moving to China, getting engaged, coming home from China, planning a wedding, getting married, getting pregnant, starting a new job, ending new job, having a baby.  Each day has been filled with successes, failures, and endless grace.  I realize that in my wanderings and questions may not be of interest to many people, but to me, they serve as powerful reminders of the faithfulness and gentleness of my Father.  He pursues me and loves me and continues on with me despite my deep, deep filthiness.  Grace beyond measure.  I need to be reminded, just like Joshua when he commanded the Israelites to build a stone wall of remembrance (Joshua  4:6-7, 24), that my God is ever faithful even when I am faithless.

So the words on this blog are as much for me as they are for you.  I like to think of it as sitting down with you over a warm cup of coffee. I'll invite you over to my little apartment and we can sit with the door open to enjoy the spring breeze and the chirping birds. I can't promise it will be quiet, as our time might be interrupted by a hungry baby who is over being patient.  I can't promise it will be clean, as we might be covered in spit up and other bodily fluids by the end.  I can't promise it will always be happy, because frankly, life isn't always happy. But I can promise it will be real. I can promise that Jesus will be victorious.

I pray that Jesus Himself will guide my fingers as I type every word of this blog.  I'm excited to begin again and I'm excited to have you along for the journey.  I pray that as you journey with me, a weak, selfish, sin-sick new wife and mama, that you will see Jesus and that He will make much of Himself.

Thanks for stopping by...do you like cream in your coffee?