God has added

Its hard to describe the darkness that pervades the days following a miscarriage. Tears fall at the least expected moments--seeing a baby commercial on television, hearing a whimper in the doctor's office, seeing a new mom at the grocery store--they all remind you of the baby you don't have. I remember sitting in the bathtub one evening weeping. Michael poked his head in to check on me and I said, "I just miss her so bad..." How can you explain missing someone you've never met? In some ways you feel foolish to cry and carry on. But at the same time, you know your baby was real and more than that, it was your baby. And with that realization, how can tears be anything but appropriate?

Its been just over a year since our baby went to be with Jesus. I still think of her so often. My heart aches to think of who she would have become and what a joy she would have been to our family.

But Praise be to God! In His gracious goodness and mercy, He has given us another baby to love. Clara Josephine Schulte was born on August 31, 2017. She has been such healing balm to my heart and such a JOY to our family.  We chose not to find out the sex of the baby before birth and let me just say--BEST surprise of my life!!! I'll never forget that moment when she finally came out and I got that first peak and screamed, "Its a girl!!!" at the top of my lungs. Oh so sweet.

Its a really strange thing knowing that we wouldn't have Clara if we hadn't lost Jubilee. We love Clara more than words can say, yet we miss Jubilee every day. Its a mystery how our hearts can feel both emotions so strongly. There are so many things in life we don't understand--and yet we know that Jesus Christ is perfectly sovereign and He does all things well. In that knowledge, there is much peace.

I know God doesn't always give another child after a miscarriage. Sometimes we have to rely on Him to heal our hearts in other ways, while our arms always ache to hold that little one. We are immensely grateful that God chose to entrust us with another life after He chose to take one away. Blessed be His name.  We chose the name Clara after my great grandmother and also after the dormitory I lived in at Berry when Michael first started pursuing me. Also because Clara means "Clear, Bright"--which is exactly what we pray for our sweet girl. That she would be shining light for Jesus and clearly reflect His nature to the world around her. Josephine is after the main character in my favorite novels Little Women and Little Men--Josephine March. She is a lovely character with such a beautiful mixture of strength, grit, and tenderness. Josephine also means God will add. We praise Him for adding this precious girl to our family. May we be faithful to point her back to Him.