Beautiful Things

 This is going to be a very honest post.  It is straight from my heart, from where I'm currently at.  I want to share first for myself, so that I can remember these days and the truth God is teaching me through them.  And secondly, because I imagine someone has had to have felt the same way at some point or another. Just humor me and say that you have :)

I don't feel beautiful.  And I'm not talking about the get-pretty-in-front-of-the-mirror kind of beautiful.  I'm talking about the soul-deep beauty that only comes from Christ Jesus.  I'm talking about that radiant glow found in a woman who fears the LORD.  I'm talking about the gentle and quiet spirit that is of great worth in God's eyes.  That's the beauty I crave, and that's the beauty I feel I don't have.

I've been struggling, and I mean struggling to find quiet moments with the Lord.  Before having a child, I would spend hours every morning with my journal, Bible and coffee--pouring my heart out to my King.  That was a luxury and a season.  Its been a year since my baby was born and I haven't figured out how to have a "quiet time" or how to abide with my King as I go about daily tasks.  I feel really sad and guilty about that.

I have been getting angry when my little one doesn't obey.  I've felt things toward him that I never want to feel towards my baby...really mean and angry things.  It breaks my heart and makes me want to cry.  And I feel like I can't tell anyone for fear that they'll think I don't love him.  I do love him, so much that it hurts.  But I am just a really sinful mama who doesn't always submit her emotions to God.  And I feel really sad and guilty about that.

Honestly, I feel like a failure a lot of days.  My husband comes home to a sad, spiritually dry wife who doesn't know how to communicate how she feels so instead she takes her emotions out on him, in not-so-nice ways.  I want our home to be a place of joy and peace, a haven for my husband to come home to after a long day at work.  So many days it is not that place.  And I feel really sad and guilty about that.

So, you see, most days I feel anything but beautiful.  Especially not the kind of beautiful I desire.

Last week my dear friend watched John Hudson for me so I could steal away to a quaint coffee shop for some quiet moments with Jesus.  I sat for two hours--journaling, staring into space, watching people, and praying.  I told Jesus exactly how I feel.  I didn't sugar coat anything (Why do we try to do that with God, anyways? As if he doesn't already know...) I told him that I am bogged down, I feel lifeless, I feel resentful, I feel sad.  I know all the "answers" and I keep telling them to myself...but they seem to be ringing on deaf ears.  I got it all out.  I stopped pretending with God and with myself.  And Jesus met me there.

I make beautiful things out of dust.

He whispered so gently in my ear.

And they scolded her.  But Jesus said, "Leave her alone.  Why do you trouble her? She has done a beautiful thing to me."  Mark 14:6

This woman--marred and torn by sin--offered her brokenness to Jesus.  She humbled herself and poured out her heart, her soul, and her most expensive perfume.  She anointed him as her King, even though she was totally unworthy to even call Him such. She gave Jesus her brokenness and He made her beautiful.  

These broken places remind us that we are absolutely dependent on our Risen Savior.  When we are this broken, we are rid of our pride and loftiness that so often gets in the way of true repentance and fellowship.  When we are this broken, God can make us beautiful by the blood of Jesus--not by our own merit or effort. 

 He can make us beautiful because of our brokenness, not despite of our brokenness. 

May we behold what is beautiful today--that is Jesus.  He alone makes beautiful things out of dust.