Dear Little One

The past few weeks have been very difficult for our family. In August, we were elated to find out that we were expecting our third child. The thought of having three babies in three years pretty much scared me to death, but we were so excited to meet this little one and welcome him or her into our lovely chaos.  We believe that God's timing is perfect and only He can create life.  But last week, we found out that our little one has gone to be with Jesus, our good Father. We are broken-hearted and our grieving is deep. As I was writing updates for the boys last week, tears began streaming down my face as I realized that I would never write a blog for this baby.  But immediately I felt His Spirit whisper, "Yes you will." There are so many things I won't get to do for this little one, but I do want to write one blog. A letter. A tribute honoring our precious baby whom we loved so dearly.

Dear Little One,

In His sovereignty and goodness, our Lord has chosen to take you home. My heart is overwhelmed with grief. What a loss this is for us, little one. What a sweet baby you would have been, what a joy to our family.  I keep wondering what your precious face would have looked like.  I wonder which of our features would have been showcased.  My arms ache. They ache to hold a baby that I will never embrace this side of Heaven.  Oh, the snuggles I will miss! Your sweet smacking lips. Those newborn grunts and funny faces.  I'll never watch you as you sleep or marvel at your tiny fingers and toes.  I'll miss your smiles and the stares that seem to say, "You are my mama."  All your firsts--the rolls, the laughs, the ba-ba-ba-bas, the claps, the teefies, the crawls, the curiosity.  My heart is wretched and the tears fall at moments when I least expect it.  It hurts so bad to lose you, sweet one. This is such a loss.
And that is truth. You see, the world tells me that no, you were not a baby.  That the blood gushing from my body was not the lifeline to a living human being, but rather a clump of cells that never developed. This is a lie.  It is a lie craftily created by the evil one, our archenemy and the hater of all children.  He hates all things precious and beautiful.  Praise God that we know the Truth!  I know that you were intricately woven together in the depths of the earth.  Our loving Father saw your unformed substance and He said, "It is good."  He had written every one of your days in His book before one of them came to be.  And as He lovingly formed every unique chromosome and cell, He whispered, "My little one, My child--I am bringing you home to live with Me.  Your mommy and daddy will miss you so, but they will meet you in a little while.  I am bringing you to a place that is much better than earth.  It's a place of immense joy, singing, smiling, and completeness.  It can be all those things because I am there.   I am protecting you, sweet one, from all of the trials and sadness of earth.  This is your true home, and my plan for you is for this to be the only home you ever know. My purpose for you is great. You are perfectly made because I made you myself.  I am your Father and I am good."

I want you to know, little one, that I wanted you so badly.  Despite my struggles to trust God at times and feeling overwhelmed at the thought of three babies, I never wanted this to happen.  Every time I  look at a family picture--for the rest of my life--there will be someone missing. Someone whom I never met, but I loved fiercely. I will miss you as I glance around our supper table.  I will miss you as your brothers wrestle on the floor and I remember that you aren't there with them.  I will miss you dearly.

On the day I found out that you were growing inside me, God led me to this Bible verse:

The LORD is faithful in all His words and kind in all His works.

Psalm 145:13

Yes, I believe it to be true.  The Lord was kind to give you to us. Oh, He was so kind!  But He was also kind to take you from us. We trust and believe that Jesus is good.  I believe that He is cleansing me and purifying my wayward heart through this loss.  Even though my heart is throbbing and my arms are aching to hold you, I trust Him.  And I consecrate your little life into His capable hands. Jesus Christ always, always, always, makes beauty out of pain.  For He alone makes beautiful things.

I love you, my sweet baby. I will always be your mama and I will carry you in my heart until we meet in Paradise.

Love,

Mommy

John Hudson's Summer in Photos

Life is going by oh so fast. I just want to take a quick moment to document some things John Hudson is doing! He is all boy, that's for sure. And talking so much,  Tonight he picked up his "cell phone" which is actually a television remote and said, "I texting GaGa (my dad)." I had no idea he even knew the word texting.

I love this sweet, sweet boy!

This is John Hudson cutting his food with a pretend knife. "Mama, look! Knife!!" he said.

And this is one proud little boy...wearing underwear! A few months ago, he was actually doing great with potty training. He was pooping and peeing on the potty regularly.  And then we went on vacation. And that all changed.  A typical conversation between us goes like this
Me: John Hudson, do you want to wear underwear?
JH: Yes!
Me: What do you need to do to wear underwear?
JH: Poo poo and pee pee on the potty!
Me: That's right! Where do big boys poo poo and pee pee?
JH: Potty!
Me: That's right! Are you a big boy?
JH: Yes! John big boy!
Me: Do you want to use the potty?
JH: No
Me: Why not?
JH: Cause....I want play.

So anyways, one day he begged me to wear underwear. And we agreed that he could as long as he used the potty. Didn't work. Oh well, I'm not rushing anything and just accepting that we're just not there yet. :)

This is "Binkut" (Blankie) under John Hudson's shirt making his belly look very big. He thought this was hilarious.

This is a few weeks ago when we were able to ride the train at Stone Mountain Park! John Hudson was absolutely thrilled and is still talking about it. Daniel had a great time, too.  We stayed for the laser show after our train ride, which was entirely too late for babies...but hey, we had a good time :)

This is John Hudson wearing his basketball shoes. He put them on all by himself and said, "Mommy, take a picture!"

Accessories. John Hudson has been cracking us up with the accessories he chooses to wear to church on Sunday mornings. One Sunday it was his rainboots, the next his ski jacket (in August mind you), and finally his bear "leash." He comes up with these outfits all on his own and we just love getting a front row seat to the show :)  *Side note: We don't actually use the kid leash. It was a hand-me-down and JH enjoys playing with it around the house. Not that I'm totally opposed to the kid leash. Just sayin'.

John Hudson is becoming quite the little helper in the kitchen.  He loves to stir and pour and wash.  We make personal pizzas some days for lunch. I whip up some paleo tortillas and John Hudson helps add all the toppings. Isn't is so fun to eat something you helped create? He also helps stir the kefir every other day, wash dishes, and put away the silverware!

Several weeks ago we hiked up Stone Mountain. We were prepared with two ergo carriers, thinking that John Hudson would get tired and need to be held. Nope. This little boy hiked straight to the top all.by.himself. We had to encourage him to keep going when we were almost to the top, but after a little pep talk, he made it!  I'm sure he was the proudest little boy in all of Georgia when we finally made it to the top. He kept saying, "Look! John did it!!"

In July, our sweet John boy had surgery for an inguinal hernia. I think it was probably harder on me and Michael than it was on John. He was such a champ! WaWa gave him his very own doctor kit to take to the hospital and he was prepared to help all the nurses. He was jumping around and playing with trains the same afternoon as his surgery. We are so thankful that the Lord protected our sweet boy and taught us another lesson is trusting Him with our children.

Finally, John Hudson spent a lot of time this summer splashing and jumping into his little pool. It has been a blast--both for the participant and the on-lookers.

Sweet John Boy, you are a joy to us. You are teaching us so much. Your zeal for life and excitement for the little things is truly refreshing. May God continue to shape you into a man after His own heart.

Daniel is Eleven Months Old

Well, since our Daniel boy will be one year old next week, I figured I should probably write his eleven month blog :) Oh, the days fly by and time for writing seems hard to find. But I know I will treasure these documentaries of our lives years from now. Today it seems like I could never forget these sweet moments with two little ones. But I know how time ages our memories and I know I will forget. So here's to writing down the little treasures from our daily lives.

Daniel is movin' and a shakin' these days. He's crawling very fast and pulling up on everything. This little guy is quite mischievous.  Well, Michael says he's not mischievous, just curious.  Either way, he's into everything! Here's what I mean:

Pulling down every single book on the shelf

Throwing out every single piece of clothing in the laundry basket

Unrolling a whole toll of toilet paper while Mommy showers

Finding John's milk cup and drinking the entire thing

Crawling into drawers and screaming because he can't get out

Thankfully, Daniel has a big brother who keeps a good eye on him and alerts Mommy and Daddy when he finds himself getting into trouble. John Hudson is very into stacking all of his trucks and trains on top of each other in a very orderly fashion. Unfortunately, Daniel is very into knocking the entire structure to the ground. This causes much friction between the two brothers, but can usually be solved by distracting Daniel and convincing JH that we can build his toys back better than before!

Great news! Daniel is finally eating! And by eating I mean he's eating more than just chicken broth and bananas! Daniel's appetite has blossomed this month. He now eats pretty much anything I put on his place (except avocado). Chicken, beef, carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes, grapes, peppers, cucumbers...you name it. It's a relief that he's finally eating and he seems to be enjoying it himself!

Sleep is still up and down. On an excellent night, Daniel goes to sleep around 8:30 and sleeps until 4 or 5 without waking (an excellent night happens about once every two weeks). On a normal night, Daniel goes to bed around 8:30, wakes around 1, and wakes again around 4 or 4 (normal nights happen about 5 nights a week).  On a bad night, Daniel wakes too many times to count (Bad nights happen about twice a week and usually because he has been off his day time napping schedule and is overly tired). Overall, we are getting much more rest than before and I think we're all going to survive :)  Daniel naps wonderfully in the daytime, usually taking two 2 hour (or more) naps. He goes to bed super easily--we just lay him down and say night-night and he usually doesn't even say a word. Sometimes he's already laying down before we even leave the room.

Behavior-wise, Daniel is typically a very sweet boy.  Although he does get very angry when he is put down when he wants to be held. He usually responds to this by rearing back as hard as he can. Sometimes it's on the hard wood floor and sometimes he rears back into a table or something else hard. We're hoping this stage doesn't last long and that he will soon learn that this bucking thing really hurts! We have been training Daniel not to touch certain things (like my decorative balls conveniently placed at eye level for the little guy) and he is responding really well.  Many times we just have to say, "Daniel, no touch" and he will slowly back away. But sometimes (many times), we do have to thump his hand to reinforce our meaning. We have caught John Hudson trying to train Daniel too, but we have to remind him that training is for Mommies and Daddies, not brothers :)

Socially, Daniel doesn't really love being with anyone except us. He starts whimpering when we turn down the hall to go to the church nursery. But they tell me that he usually warms up and plays (so they say...). When Daniel meets new people or when someone talks directly to him, he will often just lay his head down on our shoulder and act super shy. It's quite adorable.

Daniel loves to play with balls. He can entertain himself for a good amount of time just chasing balls around the house. This often gets him into precarious situations (like stuck under the buffet or weaseled into a tiny corner he can't get out of), but he absolutely loves it. He says, "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba" while he roams around. 

Daniel LOVES sneezing. In any form or fashion. He loves when other people sneeze, he loves to sneeze himself and he especially loves fake sneezing of any sort. It is the funniest thing to see him imitating a fake sneeze, "Ah-ah-ah-ah-DA" is how he says it. Oh, this just makes my heart smile to no end!

One of my all time favorite things Daniel does now is crawl up to me (or the person he wants) and reaches his little arms up with all his might. He stretches so far that he falls over. How could you not just pick that precious little thing up? Daniel is also getting more and more excited when people he loves come home. One night, we were having Bible study at our house and Michael came in late. We happened to be praying when he arrived, but I had to get up and take Daniel over to him because Daniel was squealing and flapping so hard because he couldn't wait to see Daddy! Now that's something worth coming home for! 

Daniel has developed the sweetest scrunch-nose smile. I wish I had it on camera, but its one of those things I just haven't been able to capture. 

Oh sweet Daniel, our family would be incomplete without you. You are a precious masterpiece designed purposefully and wonderfully by the Master Creator Himself. We love you and we are honored to call you ours.