Sleepless Sanctification

A trail is being formed on the carpet between my bedroom and the baby's room.  Sleepy nights of padding back and forth have become the norm around here.  Four,five, six times a night.  It has been exhausting, challenging, and sanctifying.  I've spent many, many moments in our rocking chair crying out to Jesus and asking Him to please help our baby sleep.  I've laid night after night nursing and dozing and begging God to renew my perspective because I am having a very hard time being thankful. I'll be honest, this season of no sleep has been really, really hard for me.  I don't do well on little sleep.  I am grumpy, anxious, and emotional.  I am over sensitive and I often feel sorry for myself and resent well-rested people.  I am usually okay during the day, speaking truth to myself and gearing up for the night ahead.  But at 3 am when I've already been up three times is a different story.  I can't tell you how many nights I've crawled back into bed with tears streaming down my face, feeling utterly exhausted and defeated and dreading the next time I hear that sweet little voice over the moniter. I think the worst part is the unknown--trying to drift off to sleep not knowing if I'll be awake again in twenty minutes or five hours.

I want so badly to go through this trial joyfully, realizing that this could be about more than my baby not sleeping.  Maybe God, in his infinite mercy, is teaching me, his wayward servant, about clinging to Him in the midst of trials--of looking Him for rest and refreshment--of dying to myself and being poured out for another soul.  Maybe He's teaching me how to be joyful in all circumstances and how to silence the tongue of complaining.  Maybe He's teaching me to submit my needs to Him and trust that He will give me what I truly need.

I've spent so much energy trying to "fix" the problem--should we try cry it out? Should I take his pacifier away at night? Should we co-sleep?  Is he teething? Is his stomach hurting? Is it a growth spurt? A habit? And the list goes on...always trying to use my human wisdom to figure out how to handle the situation.

But maybe Jesus is whispering something different altogether.  Maybe He's saying something like, "Trust me...trust that I'm doing more than you can see.  Trust me that I am sanctifying you and purifying you so that you will your whole spirit, body and soul will be kept blameless for My coming. (1 Thes. 5:23)  Trust me that I will always give you what you need, but not necessarily what you think  you need. Trust me that I will give you instincts and wisdom if you should do something differently.  Trust me that this too shall pass and your faith will be perfected because of it.  Instead of complaining and focusing on what you're not doing (sleeping), take advantage of this quiet time to enjoy my Presence. Meditate on Me through the watches of the night (Psalm 63:6), meditate on My law, delight yourself in Me (Psalm 1:2), and believe that when you awake, I will sustain you (Psalm 3:5).

I pray for grace to believe His voice and His word and live a life of praise--even in the midst of exhaustion.  So as night approaches and my body feels too weak to imagine another sleepless night, I press on by His grace. Jesus, help me to believe.  Help me to cry to You, my Daddy, just as my baby cries out for me. In him, I see myself--helpless and in need of comfort. May each cry push me to You. Amen.

I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.

Psalm 3:5