Emptied to be Filled: January 2012

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Broken People

This semester I'm doing an internship at a local day center for mentally disabled adults. This is way out of my comfort zone and to be honest, something I never imagined myself doing. I'm always drawn to working with kids more than adults. However, Jesus so graciously opened the doors for this internship and clearly said "This way, my child...I want to show you more treasures." And what treasures I have found!

I've only been working for one week, but I can't even begin to describe the joy that permeates this center. There is just a sense of happiness and contentment and...I don't know, simplicity. I have been so welcomed among my new friends. On my second day, I could hear my name being echoed through the halls before I was even in the building good. I was showered with hugs and smiles and shouts of joy...what better way to start the morning? One precious girl came running over to me and threw her arms around my neck proclaiming, "My friend! My friend! This my friend, ya'll."

I spent quite some time playing "memory" (you know, the card game) with one of my new friends. She is so sweet and precious, I can't even put her into words! And boy does she love to play memory! As we played, we talked. She asked me questions about my life and I returned the questions. Finally she asked, "You go church?" I responded, "Yes I do! Do you?" She giggled and said, "No...Jesus in my heart." Me too, sweet friend...me too. We are kindred spirits because we serve the same King.

I am falling in love with another group of precious people whom the world has forgotten and tossed aside. You see, for some reason, we see disabled people as "broken" or "not quite there". They are pushed away, they are labeled, they are taken advantage of.

As I study Scripture, I cannot find any justification whatsoever for labeling these treasures as less than perfect.

For You formed my inward parts;

You knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:13-14

God does not exclude anyone when He says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Even disabilities serve a divine purpose for His kingdom glory. And you know what? Jesus is crazy about my new friends at the center. As I am spending time there, as I'm absorbing their smiles, feeling their innocence, hearing their contagious laugher...I'm starting to wonder about some things. The more I spend time with these people who we've labeled as "broken", the more I beginning to wonder if I'm actually the broken one.

I think I'm going to learn a lot from my new friends.

Oh Dear...

Emotionally Drained.

That's how I would describe myself at this very moment. I knew this semester was going to be busy, but I wasn't prepared for the emotional toll it was going to have on my mind and heart. I'm finally in my last semester of college and finally taking classes that I actually want to take. But it just so happens that all the classes I want to take require me to study with my heart, not just my mind.

Here's a brief synopsis of my week: Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, I spend 3.5 hours with mentally disabled adults (who are daily stealing my heart, by the way). On Monday evenings, I spend 3 hours with the darling babies of teenage mothers in our community. On Tuesday afternoons, I spend three hours at the local prison for a class called "Inside Out Prison Exchange" (fascinating class!!). On Wednesday evenings, I spend an hour strategizing with the SOUP staff about how to best help our Ugandan kiddos. And there are a few thoughts about my sweet babies in China sprinkled in there, too. And most of my spare time is spent reading about disabled adults, transracially adopted children, and prisoners for the academic components of my classes.

To say I'm overwhelmed is an understatement. I'm in over my head.

But these are precisely the reasons I am majoring in sociology. I want to be passionate about the things my King is passionate about. I want to have a heart that breaks at the thing His heart breaks for. But boy, my little ol' heart is having a hard time handling all this...really tough stuff!

For this season, Jesus is asking me to be emotionally stretched. To spend myself on behalf of the least. To learn more than I ever wanted to know about the ones He holds close to His heart. And I am confident that He will strengthen me for the journey.

After all, He is the defender of the weak. And that includes me.

So I say

Bring it on.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Simplicity

I want to live a life that gives maximum glory to Jesus. I want Jesus to ooze from every single thing I do. I want Him to saturate every portion of my life. These are my goals--oh how I fall short!

Over the past few weeks, God has teaching me about simplicity. Living a simple life that gives maximum glory to Jesus. You see, when I am stressed, stretched, exhausted, trying to be in a million places at once, and flustered, I'm actually not giving Jesus the glory He deserves. I have a problem saying "no", so I just attempt to pack everything into my schedule and promise myself I'll sleep when I die (which, by the way, is definitely NOT true!). Maybe I can do a million things. But I cannot do a million things well. Is having my finger half-heartedly in every activity available really honoring Jesus?

My biggest struggle is saying "no" to good things. It's not hard for me to say no to things that I don't really care about. I could care less about boosting my resume or getting more credit hours for the sake getting a better job. But it is hard for me to say no to being involved in one more organization that fights for things that are close to God's heart. It is hard for me to say no to another weekly Bible study commitment. It is hard for me to say no to being available every minute of every day to anyone who needs to "talk". But learning to say "no" is the key to saying "yes". I want to say "yes" to my sacred time with Jesus each morning. I want to say yes to being discipled weekly by a godly woman. I want to say yes to giving whole-hearted effort to Young Moms (the organization I volunteer for) and to the girls God has placed in my life to love and disciple.

Our culture has convinced us that to be busy and stressed and stretched is totally normal and expected. We are to fill every night of the week with something. We are to have our children in every extra curricular available. We are to go go go go and go until we cannot go anymore. But I do not want to live the rest of my life like that! I want to learn the art of sacred living now. I want to learn the art of living simply--of finding my joy and satisfaction in Jesus Himself...not in doing things for Jesus.

In his book Simpler Times, Thomas Kinkade says, "Most of us are so accustomed to over-stimulation that peace feels strange to us; it makes us nervous. Simplicity can be an acquired taste, especially in a society that revels in complexity. But what an improvement when we finally begin to feel at home with a simpler way of life. What a surge of energy when we realize that saying no is really a way of saying yes to all we really care about."

I am examining my life and wrestling to place boundaries around the sacred things. I am asking Jesus to show me the things He has called me to for such a time as this--and to be content in putting my whole heart into those things and saying "no" to other things (even good things!). I don't know exactly what a simple life looks like for me, but I am confident that Jesus will be faithful to show me.

May we savor every moment of our lives, dear ones! I think Jesus does want us to have time to smell the roses and to appreciate His beauty. He does want us to have time for sacred moments with family and friends. He loves the meaningful conversations and tickle tournaments and belly laughs that we don't have time for when our lives are constantly on the move. I think He is most glorified when we are satisfied in Him completely and not constantly filling our schedules with "good" things.

It goes against everything our world stands for. But once again, I have to ask myself am I willing to be a little different in order to obey Jesus? I pray that the answer to that question will be resounding YES!

Friday, January 6, 2012

Looking Ahead with Peace

I have a problem with worrying about the future. Plain and simple. I am finally to the point where I can whole heartedly admit that I often live in sin by spending countless hours worrying about things that may happen. I have a habit of dwelling in the land of "what if?" Dwelling there reaps one thing...anxiousness.

On top of that, I don't do well with change. I love stability and familiarity. I love predictable (that's why I love Hallmark movies so much, hah!). I love routine and scheduling. When I don't know what lies ahead, my fleshly spirit defaults to worry.

I know its sin because when I compare those feelings with Scripture, I find the exact opposite. How many times throughout the Bible are we told not to fear? How many times are we told that we can trust Him? How many times are we admonished not to lean on our own understanding? Living in fear and worry is sin. Plain and simple.

I found myself here just last week. I was boarding a plane to go to South Dakota to visit my best friend. I was only going to be away for five days, but stepping foot into that airport brought a whole boatload of emotions and "what ifs". Immediately, I was transported to a time five months from now when I'll be standing in that same airport to begin my journey to the far side of the sea. I began feeling all the emotions of the goodbyes. I began remembering all the really hard days I experienced on my last journey. I began re-living all of the utter loneliness I so often felt. And I panicked. I was only leaving for five days, but I carried on as if I were leaving for a lifetime. I could feel that suffocating feeling rising in my chest and threatening to steal the very breath from my lungs. I could feel my body trembling as I tried to regain composure. I kept telling myself to pull it together, this is not a big deal! But to a mind saturated with worry and anxiety, it was a big deal.

The feeling was still with me the next morning. Especially with my sentimental heart, I kept thinking of how so many things in my life will be changing this year. My mind kept ticking and wondering what my life will look like this time next year. What will my relationships look like? Where will I be? To most, these questions cause excitement and joyous anticipation for what's to come. Not for me. For me, all those wandering thoughts caused me to dread 2012. I just want to stay right here, where things are comfortable and familiar. Go away, change, go away!

But as much as I willed 2012 not to come...it did. On New Year's Day, I found myself at a quaint little coffee shop with my Bible and journal and two hours on my hands. I felt the Lord prompt me to do some reflecting over the past year. So, I took out my journal and wrote "Blessings of 2011" and I began to think. And I wrote down every blessing I could think of that had happened this past year. Some spiritual, some not. Some silly, some serious. And as I walked through this year in my memory, I began feeling utter peace. Because I realized that my God is so faithful. This time last year, I remember feeling the same thoughts of worry and anxiousness about what the next year would hold...and now I can look back and say with full assurance that Jesus Christ can be trusted. Never once did He leave me or fail to do what He promised. After filling three full pages of blessings, I concluded that He has done great things in 2011 and He will do great things in 2012. I can trust Jesus. I can rest in His faithfulness.

I've never really done this before, but I've decided to have a theme verse for this year. I want this verse to characterize my life and shape my thoughts and actions. Jesus gave me Proverbs 31:25 as my theme verse for 2012. It says:

Strength and dignity are her clothing and she laughs at the time to come.

Proverbs 31:25

This is what I wrote in my journal: I am clothed with strength and dignity--ever resting in the promises of Christ Jesus. I am confident and strong and sure of Jesus. I fear not the future or what might happen. I do not despair and dwell on future hardships. I look ahead with great anticipation and excitement, expecting Jesus to do great things. I realize that my Hope is in Heaven. No one can steal my hope or cause me to despair. At the beginning and end of every day, Jesus Christ is the same. I can trust Him. I refuse to be satan's puppet, tangled in fear and anxiety. My hope is.not.here.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8

For you are great and do wondrous things; You alone are God.

Psalm 86:10

Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised, and His greatness is unsearchable.

Psalm 145:3

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Holiday Happiness

I am a hopeless sentimentalist, folks. The more ooey-gooey mushy, feel-good traditions, the better! The more cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies and decorations and music, the happier I am. Christmas truly is my favorite time of year and I eagerly await its arrival each season. But all those high expectations sometimes cause more heartache than joy. Because in the perfect dreams that play in my head, everything is just that...perfect. There is no sickness, brokenness, quarreling or disappointments. Everyone is happy and the holidays are just as special as they should be. In my dreams, everyone walks around holding hands and merrily humming carols while dressed in fuzzy scarves and cute decorated hats. Families are always together and no one is ever missing from the family photo. In my dreams, kids are loved and protected and mommies and daddies are hopelessly in love. In my dreams, every person has a perfectly bronzed turkey on Thanksgiving day and they sit by the fire watching the Macy's parade all morning long. In my dreams, Christmas still holds a beautiful mystery and everyone is enthralled in worshiping the King. I would love it if these things were always true. But in this broken world, its simply not the case. So when things aren't as glamorous as I remember them being when I was five, there is much room for disappointment, sadness, and even...self pity.

But you know what? I have come to a slow realization: I celebrate Christmas because of Jesus. I don't celebrate it because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I don't celebrate because I love presents. I don't celebrate because I just can't resist the urge to sing carols all day, everyday. No. I celebrate because Jesus Christ, my Savior and King came into this earth to be my ultimate Lover, Prince, King and Savior. I celebrate because Jesus is real. I celebrate because I cannot help but worship my Jesus who gave mankind the most prized gift of all...Himself.

This is why we celebrate, dear ones. Our celebration of Christmas is not based on outward circumstances, situations and changes. It is based on Jesus Christ. That is why we can always have a Merry Christmas. No matter what the past year held and no matter what lies in the future. No matter where in the world we find ourselves during the Season. No matter who is and isn't able to be there. No matter what painful circumstance have come about. There is always a reason to celebrate with joy and excitement. And that reason is Jesus Christ. I find this revelation freeing and refreshing.

My perfect dream world might not be reality. But Jesus is. And that is worth celebrating.