Where I've been and where I'm headed

Since I haven't been a very faithful blogger this semester, I think its time for a simple update.  This past semester was wonderful in so many ways.  Being away from Berry for a few months has really made me love and appreciate it more.  I was more aware of the beauty--blue skies, deer, and rolling hills--and more aware how blessed I am to be surrounded by such an amazing group of friends (who are more like family, actually).

This year I am living in an apartment style dorm with three other girls.  We've had so much fun laughing, cooking, watching movies, and just doing life together.  Our apartment has become know for our "family night dinners" which take place two or three nights a week.  We take turns cooking and eating together around our tiny (and I do mean tiny) kitchen table.  What sweet memories have been made.  We even do our homework in the living room just so we can be together.  I am so thankful to be living in community again after so many months of loneliness. 

The Lord has been so sweet to continue pursuing me and challenging me toward holiness.  I am a work in progress, aren't we all?  But His Presence has been ever close and ever challenging.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, my time with Him has become a number one daily priority again (as it should be), and I really believe that has made all the difference.  He has placed some precious girls in my life who I've had the privilege of meeting with weekly and studying the Word together.  It is always humbling to see how He drops these relationships in my lap.  "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few" (Matthew 9:37).  How true it is!

Academically, I had a good semester as well.   I survived Geology! And I've learned that rocks are more complex than I ever thought possible...and I have a deep, deep appreciation for them.  The end.   I will not complain if I never have to identify another mineral in my entire life.  I was able to take a class called "Family Problems and Interventions".  It was a depressing class, really...spending every single class period talking about...well, problems.  But, I learned so much and reality is, problems exist.  They always have and they always will as long as we continue on this pilgrimage through life.  Learning how to walk with people through these problems, tragedies and devastations is a great asset. 

Between classes, homework, my little desk job, young moms, the SOUP, Bible study, and social time--life has been pretty hectic and slightly overwhelming at times.  But I am trying to savor every moment as I realize that my time as a care-free college student is rapidly coming to an end.  I mean, when else in my life am I going to have an entire month off for Christmas?  The "real world" is right around the corner!  What exactly does that mean for me?  Well...


 I made a big decision about my life post-college.

Ready?

Drum roll, please.




I'm going back.

That's right.  I'm going back to the far side of the sea.  To the country and people that have stolen my heart.  I'm going back to spend another glorious six months with the precious ones who are forever etched into my soul.  I'm going back because He has called.  And He has so graciously opened the doors that I am humbled to walk through.  I mentioned in my China blog (here) that I long to have a heart for all nations and all people and that I was not sure if I would ever step foot in China again.  I am amazed and thankful that He has opened this door and my only prayer is that I will be obedient to go wherever He leads me.

I am thankful, excited, nervous, humbled, amazed, and in awe.  When I left Maria's in July, I said good-bye as if I would never be back, that way I would have closure.  I'll never forget that long train ride back to Beijing after saying good-bye.  I was surrounded my snoring men on a bumpy overnight train but I could not sleep. I could only grieve the precious ones I had just left behind.  The tears fell ceaselessly and my heart felt the weight of every child's future.  And all I could do was ask Jesus to be gracious to these babies and to hold them extra tight that night.   I can't tell you how my heart leaps when I imagine walking through those doors again and hearing the glorious sounds of baby laughter and cries.  I can already feel them in my arms.  I am already imagining nuzzling my head in their little necks and covering them with kisses and prayers.  I am so so so glad to be going back.

I am also aware that I will be graduating college, saying good-bye to a whole season of my life, moving home, and leaving for China all within 15 days.  Not to mention saying another round of painful good-byes to my family and friends.  These little details threaten to create little pockets of worry, which I have to actively fight.  I have been planning my life in 6-month increments for the past 2 years and I have no idea what my life will look like after October.  But I am so thankful to be serving a King who has planned every step of my journey before I ever took one single breath.

So friends, that where I'm headed.  Oh isn't this journey with Jesus so sweet and surprising! 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus Christ!

It's beginning to look a lot like...

Christmas!

Oh friends, can you believe it?  It's almost Christmas time again.  Time for trees and mistletoe candles.  Time for fireplaces and hallmark holiday movies, time for laughter and gingerbread men.  I just love Christmas...everything about it.  I really do. 

I came home for the holidays yesterday.  I love the feeling of coming home.  You know, that warm ooey-gooey feeling of knowing that finals are over, Christmas is on its way, and I have a whole month of rest ahead of me.  I'm really looking forward to reading for pleasure (what a novel idea!), baking, catching up with old friends, writing, and reflecting on the past year.  It's really hard to believe that this time last year I was preparing to leave the country for 6 months.  There were so many unknowns and fears and worries....and my God has proven Himself so faithful.

When life is good, Christmas is really great.  But at the holidays, I always think about those whose life isn't so great.  When things are hard, Christmas just seems to make things harder doesn't it?  I think about those who are far away from home.  I think of those who have lost loved ones.  I think of those who are struggling financially and the burden of gift giving is extremely stressful.  I think of those battling illness.  I think of those who don't have a home to go to.  It breaks my heart.  But I want it to break my heart more. 

It's often easier not to think about those people because, to be honest, it puts a damper on things.  It's kind of easier to simply sigh a sad sigh for them and keep moving.  And I do this way too often.  This year, I'm praying for a broken heart.  I'm praying for a heart of compassion and love and selflessness.  It's interesting how during the holiday that represents one of the most selfless acts of all time, how we become so disgustingly wrapped up in...ourselves. I am so so so guilty.

Jesus, Father to the fatherless, Defender of widows, Helper of the helpless, our Rock and our Salvation, our Almighty King and our Best Friend

Will you give us your heart?

Will you allow me to see through your eyes?

Will you teach me to give more than I think I can

Will you teach me to love harder than I think is wise

Will you teach me to guard my mouth, my heart, and my mind

Will you teach me to reach beyond materialism and greed

Will you teach me to see?

I want to see you, Jesus. I want to see you.

Choosing Jesus

I'll be honest.  I love to sleep.  I always have.  My mom says that when I was a little girl, she never had to enforce a bedtime for me because by the time night rolled around, I was begging to go to bed!  The thought of staying up past midnight makes me let out a big sigh of dread (not to say that I don't stay up well past midnight here in the land of endless research papers and tests...). I was never even a huge fan of slumber parties because that meant I would have to stay up late! Hah!

Now, I also love mornings.  I love the feeling of being awake before the rest of the world is stirring.  I love knowing that Jesus is waiting for me in our secret place.  I love pouring my mug of steaming coffee and going to my "Jesus chair" with my "Jesus bag" and stealing away precious moments with my Prince.  I really do love all these things...once I get there.  But sometimes being stirred out of my cozy bed is quite a challenge, especially when my pesky flesh is screaming, "But we've only been asleep for six hours!" I wrestle and I toss and I negotiate with the Lord, promising that I'll spend time with Him later that day.  That usually doesn't happen.

Since high school, I've been really dedicated to having my daily time with the Lord.  When I got serious about my relationship with Jesus, I realized that not spending time with Him every day is simply not an option.  Time with our King is something that is absolutely essential for every follower of Christ.  And His Word makes that very clear. To make this a priority, I learned that I have to take everything else out of my life, put Jesus at the center, and then build my life around Him. 

My freshman year of college, I woke up extremely early each day to make this happen.  We're talking 5 am or earlier.  It was brutal...and beautiful...and oh.so.worth.it.  But it was not without pain.  Every morning as my clock went off, I cringed.  Every night as I was going to bed when all my friends were just gathering to watch a movie...I felt a twinge of jealousy.  But, I knew that this time with Jesus was essential...I cannot abide in the Vine if I'm not connected.  He was my reward.

I'd like to say that I continued in this ever-dedicated lifestyle until now.  But the truth is, I am trapped in a body of sin.  I often find myself bowing down to a sinful flesh that is lazy, self-serving, and filled with idols.  My flesh loves nothing more than staying in that warm bed an extra hour and then beginning my day in a frazzled rush.  All the while my Prince patiently waits...longing to reveal more of Himself to me.  Or I do wake up and spend a rushed half hour with my Bible opened, but taking no extra time to study scripture or pray meaningful prayers...a few scribbled words in my journal will do.  This is where I've found myself for the past few months, friends. And I haven't even grieved over it until a few weeks ago.  That is the worst part.

College is demanding.  But not any more demanding than any other stage in life, I'm sure.  I can't wait until my life "slows down" to make time with Jesus a priority.  It's not going to happen.  Jesus has to be my highest priority every single day.  No matter what the day holds.  Even if nothing else gets accomplished that day, but I spend time with my King, the day is worth it.  A few weeks ago, sweet Jesus brought me to my knees with this reality.  I have forsaken my first love.  I have traded my King for a few more moments of sleep.  I have exchanged the courts of the Lord for a bed.  What a wretched child am I!  I asked myself, if someone were to observe my life and watch how I spent my time, money, and energy each day (without actually speaking to me), would they know that I love Jesus with all my heart?  I was startled to think that the answer to that question might be no. 

I fell on my knees with tears of brokenness and repentance streaming down my face.  How could I?  Is He not worth my sleep?  Is He not worth my time?  Am I so proud to think that I don't need that daily armoring in order to face this battle called life?  And His gentle voice says, "Come." I decided that things had to change.  No matter what it takes, I have to make Jesus the center piece. 

Things have changed.  I have started waking up earlier.  I have made an appointment with the Lord, and I intend to keep it.  I have started going to bed earlier if possible, and relying on Him for strength when the hours of sleep are lacking.  You know, if I only got 3 hours of sleep for the rest of my life, but was completely relying on the power of Jesus Christ...I'd probably be more energized than the person who sleeps 9 hours a night.  Just a thought.

The past month has been beautifully sweet.  I have spent time studying His Word like I haven't done in probably a year.  I have prayed and read and meditated and studied.  I have been strengthened and helped...and rebuked and loved.  Each morning as I sit in my quiet place I wonder, "How am I ever so blinded as to think I don't need this?"  It happens oh so quickly.  Satan would love for me, and every one of you to stop spending time with Jesus.  He knows its the powerhouse.  He knows the Christian is very weak without daily time with the Lord.  And that is precisely why he throws every possible distraction in our faces.  That is precisely why he makes my bed feel so snuggly and  inviting each morning. 

And I have a choice to make.  I can cave to my flesh.  Or I can yield to the Spirit of the Most High God.  I can stay where I'm at.  Or I can be transformed by the power of God.  I can make my own agenda.  Or I can make myself available to be used in ways bigger than I ever imagined.  I have to choose.

I want to choose Jesus.  I want to choose Him every day.

Its a battle I want to fight, armed with Power from on High. 

Today, I am so thankful for His Grace.  His grace that invites me back each and every time I fall.  His grace that looks at me and sees righteousness, even when I'm stained and tainted.  His grace that loves me the same, even when sometimes I love sleep more than I love Him.

May we, armed with His grace, be wiling to fight the battle.

And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, He departed and went out to a desolate place, and there He prayed.  

Mark 1:35

For He gives to His Beloved sleep.

Psalm 127:2

Its been a while...

It's been an eternity since I've written.  Life has been a crazy, beautiful, busy mess!  Senior year is crazytown, USA.  But I do have lots to share and talk about...so be expecting some really long, really insightful posts soon (haha!)

Bananas

When I first arrived in China last February, I often found myself searching for anything that would bring an ounce of familiarity to my new life...where nothing was familiar.  I searched for familiar smells, foods, and even just little moments in the day that would make me feel just a little closer to home.  One of the things that brought that comfort was bananas.

It sounds sort of funny...to be comforted by bananas.  But its true.  The little fruit stand near my dormitory sold them.  And when I first arrived, I was afraid to eat anything that didn't have a nice protective peeling on the outside (although I quickly adapted and soon ventured to try apples, too!).  So those first few weeks it was just me and the bananas.  I ate one each morning for breakfast with my instant coffee.  I'd slowly peel back the yellow outside and take a big whiff of that familiar smell, closing my eyes and thinking of home. I would eat it ever so slowly, savoring every ounce of flavor. It didn't take much to make me happy :)

Fast forward six months.  The day before I left to come home, sweet Caitlin (my fellow intern) threw a going away party for me in the preschool class.  Caitlin was staying for another month while I returned home to start school.  We asked the kids to draw a picture for me to take home.  So they all gathered around and began to work on their masterpiece.  I'll never forget glancing at that picture when they were half-way finished.  What did I see?  Bananas.  Caitlin had taught the kids how to draw bananas one day during preschool and Jaelynn loved to draw them everywhere. So naturally, she drew bananas for me.  I looked at these perfectly formed bananas...and my eyes began to well up with tears.  Suddenly, Jaelynn became very upset as the other kids began scribbling all over her perfect bananas.  We scooped her up as she continued to scream, "But Abby's going to America! I want to give her bananas!  Abby's going to America! I want to give her bananas!" All I could do was hold her and assure her that I loved her bananas...they were perfect, even if the other kids colored on top of them.  The next day as I told her good-bye, she held my face in her little hands and said, "I give you bananas."

My heart ripped in half as I once again faced the realization that I was leaving...she was staying behind.  But those bananas came with me.  Those bananas are framed and hanging on my wall amidst Jessica's drawing of myself, Fahlin's scribble, and Issac's black circles.  And even if no one else notices those bananas, I know they're there.  And I know that sweet Jesus gave me bananas.  The same simple thing He used to comfort my homesick heart back in February, He is now using to comfort my homesick heart now.  And every time I see a banana, I am reminded of His faithfulness.  And I am reminded to pray for Jaelynn--my precious banana-giving princess

Mr. Sparrow

Have you ever spent time watching a sparrow?  I'll be honest, I don't know if I have.  But I wonder, what does a sparrow really have to worry about?  He flies from tree to tree singing his beautiful melody of thanksgiving.  He works diligently to have a a nest and food, but mostly he just sings.  This little bird is so tiny, yet so full of life.  His anthems fill the mornings with joy.  I love hearing his songs in the early hours of the day.  It reminds me that its gonna be okay.  Everything is gonna be okay.  I think we can learn a lot from Mr. Sparrow.

I went to bed last night with a lot of worries swirling around my heart...some of them small and petty, some of them big and weighty.  I dreamt about them, and awoke still thinking about them. So I now find myself snuggled up with my cup of coffee and my journal...pouring my heart out to Jesus.  And this morning, Jesus wants me to learn from Mr. Sparrow.

You know, sometimes the worries of this life can just suffocate you.  It's so true.  Sickness is everywhere and seems to be touching almost everyone I love in some way or another.  The stress of school is weighing heavy and I have to keep reminding myself that all A's won't follow me to eternity.  Some of my dearest friends are going through  difficult places, and I find myself wanting to carry their burdens myself instead of letting Him carry them.  There are some big decisions about my future that I have to make soon, and I just plain cannot tell what direction He's leading. You know...its called life...and its overwhelming sometimes.

I hear his gentle whisper, "Princess, take one second and let Me filter your thoughts."  And He says,

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.  But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.  Fear not, my Beloved, you are of more value than many sparrows."

Matthew 10:29-31

He knows Mr. Sparrow's birthday and how many feathers surround his little body.  He even knows Mr. Sparrow's distinct chirp and the pattern of every melody he sings.  And me, I am created in the image of my King.  I am the crown of creation.  If He knows the depths of Mr. Sparrow's heart...what about me?  

Oh, the depths of His love! The richness and beauty.  May our lives be a song of  continual surrender.  A showcase of His splendor that ever magnifies His mighty power.  Friends, may we take delight in the overwhelming moments of life...and may our hearts learn a powerful lesson from Mr. Sparrow today. 

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Planning not to plan

I will give in my house and within my walls a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off. -Isaiah 56:5

It's a rainy morning and I'm curled up in a cozy chair overlooking a breathtaking bay.  I am soaking up precious moments with my Prince.  His Presence is ever near--I can almost feel His breath on my neck.  What a blessing to be in the courts of the Lord.  What  sweet moments when He beckons me out of bed to spend these glorious moments alone with Him.  It's in those moments when my heart is at peace and I feel that beautiful tension of  utter helplessness before Him mixed with valiant strength and victory pulsing directly from His throne.  I breathe in and breathe out...all around me--Jesus. 

I am at the beach this weekend with some of my closest girlfriends.  Yesterday, we drove jam-packed in a car for over 9 hours to spend two days here planning, brainstorming, and organizing for the SOUP.  I mentioned the SOUP a few months ago in my China blog (check it out here).  I can't tell you how much our King is doing in and through this budding organization.  What began as a small dream in the heart of a simple college girl is turning into a God-sized dream that's affecting over two hundred precious, precious children in Uganda.  This morning we spent time looking at pictures and videos of the SOUP site and praying over the precious faces of the children living there.  We are dreaming big, knowing that we serve a big, big God who loves and cherishes these children way more than we ever could. 

I am humbled, really.  I would have never imagined that I'd be sitting around a table strategizing ways to best provide health care, education, food, and most importantly, knowledge of Jesus Christ for a specific group of children on the other side of the world.  I am honored to pray specifically for these little ones and for their community as a whole.  Our God has huge things up His sleeve, I'll tell you that.  Our prayer is that we will be ever willing vessels of the most High King.  In all our planning and brainstorming, it's easy to get carried away by what we can do for them.  How can we convince people to give money? How can we rally volunteers?  How can we talk someone into moving there permanently?  How can we accurately portray the utter poverty and the realities of these kids' lives without being manipulative and exploitative?  And you know what? We.cannot.  End of story.

Dear SOUP staffers,

I am the vine; you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5

Love, your King who never ceases fighting

We rest in our incapabilities. It's comforting.  We are useless vessels unless empowered by the Almighty. 

I myself will be the Shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord God.  I will seek the lost and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak, and the fat and the strong I will destroy.  I will feed them in justice.  Ezekiel 34:15

Ever changing

Sweet friends,

I'm sure no one is reading this blog anymore...being that its been ahem, almost a month since I've posted anything.  I have plenty of things swirling in my heart to say but finding time to sit down and sort through my thoughts has proven to be quite the challenge.  So I find myself here on a Thursday evening at almost midnight...and I feel the need to write.  So here it goes.

I can hardly believe I've been home for over a month now.  In some ways it seems like an eternity, in others it feel like I stepped off the plane yesterday.  It's been a good month, though.  Filled with ups and downs for sure...but good.  When I first got to China, someone told me, "Once you spend a significant amount of time in another country, you'll never at home anywhere again.  Wherever you are, you'll always be missing something about the other place."  I am beginning to feel the weight of that statement full force. Since school began, my days have been jam packed with classes, work, homework, meeting up with old friends, meeting up with new friends, extra curriculars, etc. It's been quite a challenge going from my leisurely life in China back to the hustle and bustle of the college scene.  I find myself thinking about daily life in China less and less...and that makes me incredibly sad.  I know its normal.  But I don't want to forget one moment...one little laugh...one hard day...one toothless grin.  I want to remember.  I prayed before I left that God would help me to remember.  And He has a sweet way of bringing little reminders into my life.  What I'm wrestling with this moment is:  What now?  I'm sure you've all felt it.  If you've ever had a touching experience, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  How do I take everything that I learned over the past 6 months and apply it to my life now?  How do I speak louder, advocate harder, and pray more fervently?  How do I serve HIM here and now...when I can't walk across the hall and pick up a baby and instantly feel needed and fulfilled. While in China, I often mulled over a quote by Jim Elliot that says, "Wherever you are, be all there."  I want to be all here...because for such a time as this, we are all where we are.  And we are there for eternal purposes.  I may not be holding babies and wiping noses...but I am striving to love well, encourage other believers, and pursue friendships with non believers...these things have eternal purposes, my friends.  They do.

Please be encouraged! Our sweet Savior has eternal tasks for you today.  He has words for you to speak, people for you to love, and prayers for you to send His way.  And each moment spent in His presence is a glorious moment indeed...whether or not you feel profoundly useful.

Twelve

The other day, I was counting all the families I know who are in the process of adopting.  Eight families. Twelve children.  And I got to thinking...

Twelve.  Jesus had twelve disciples. Twelve men He poured His life into.  Twelve men who changed the world.  It began with twelve.  Imagine with me for a moment.  What if these twelve children are raised to love and fear Jesus? What if these twelve children become mighty warriors for Jesus Christ?  What if each of them leads two people to Christ (who then lead two people, who lead two people...).  What if a few of them move to another nation to make disciples?  What if some of them become mothers and fathers who raise and disciple more Godly children?  What if one of them discovers a cure for cancer?  What if one of them is a school bus driver who daily invests in the lives of hundreds of children, showing them that Jesus Christ is real?  What if some of them are doctors, truck drivers, grocery store clerks, lawyers, or judges who live boldly and radically for Jesus Christ?  What if some of them use their adoption stories to tell others about our spiritual adoption into God's family? And the list goes on. What if?

What if God wants to change the world through twelve former orphans?

Imagine that.